May 4, 2011
Humor Column: Shaking Hands
Elastic Windshield
Do you want the secret to success? Do you want to know the easy way to secure every job that you have ever even thought of applying for? That’s right; you don’t even have to send in an application. If you properly utilize my nine step refuse to lose program, you will simply wake up in the morning feeling more awesome. Job offers from countries you haven’t even heard of will pour in and pollute your inbox like owls on the roof of 4 Privet Drive on Harry Potter’s 11th birthday. It’s that intense, I promise you. And as a limited time offer, I’ll drop eight of the nine steps. Yes, you heard me. One step, one hundred thousand job offers. What do you say?
Just stick with me, kid, and talent scouts will be all over you like teenage girls on a life size cardboard cutout of the Biebster. So, the first eight steps are about things like self-deprecation, which we in the business like to call butt kissing. But we can save a lot of time by skipping those steps, because I can teach you everything you need to know about cajoling in one simple sentence: treat your prospective boss like a cheap date. Pop your collar, spray yourself down with Axe Dark Temptation, and bring a condom. Now we can move onto the really important stuff.
Step number nine is certainly the most important of all. Although it is difficult to master this technique, spending a little time practicing each day can produce results that will forever change your life. But be warned, this method is not for everyone. It’s dangerous, as most awesome things tend to be. As dangerous as covering yourself in heroin and walking into a narcotics anonymous meeting. This step is serious business. It’s not for the weak of heart. If you commonly experience seizures, please do not proceed.
So here it is, plain and simple. Step number nine states that you need a move that will blow all other candidates out of the water. When your future employers sets eyes upon your delicate figure, the voice inside their heads should scream, “This guy is awesome!” or at the very least, “Run away!” And you want to know how to make their red flags go off? I’ll tell you. You need a handshake that is unlike anything they have ever seen before. It should involve props, a theme song, and at the very least, sound effects such as “bang!” and “wooooooosh!”
If you’re anything like I used to be, you’re a boring, timid, nobody. If you’re anything like I used to be, the thought of shaking hands is terrifying. Once the moment was right and my opponent’s hand was spotted in an outstretched position, I lost control. The space time continuum began to contort, slowing time while my heart beat raged on in ridiculous rhythms, sometimes bearing a striking resemblance to “Another One Bites The Dust.” Any former control I had over my body was lost, and as my hand slowly approached theirs, my mind spun itself in circles. Beads of sweat polluted my brow and my hands grew clammy until, alas! Moist, floppy contact was made. My hand turned to mush. It was all over.
Trust me, friend, you do not want to be in a position like that. It’s impossible to recover after vomiting all over your interviewer. Things just do not go smoothly after such a move. You don’t want to be the timid nobody. You want to get noticed. You need to get noticed. You really need that job, don’t you? Do you want to go back to living on the street? Cat food isn’t so great after your third or fourth can, is it? No, it isn’t. So, as I was saying, it’s important to make an impression. You need to imprint yourself upon their minds like Jacob Black on Bella’s new born child. The time is now. No excuses. Just get out there and be a winner.
